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July 6th, 2010
11:01 pm - *blows rasberry in the universe's face*
There are days when I love being single...and being single is great and I can't even imagine having a boyfriend in the time in my life...
And then...there are days where I wake up and I feel like absolute shit...like I am ugly and fat and stupid and awkward and the only thing that will fix these feelings is a boy...to come and tell me "You are beautiful, smart, and you have great taste in music, books and pop culture."
Well...maybe not in those exact words but close enough.
And there are days...when I have the healthy realization that I am doing these things...because I never had a male figure in my life telling me things as a child. I know that if my Dad was here I could talk to him about these things and he would probably have an answer or at least some encouragement that I don't need a boy to give me these things.
And even if when I realize all these things...And I know them to be true.
I don't know how to fix it. Or be logical about it. I'm tired of having days where I feel like a disgusting human being that isn't beautiful. I am beautiful. I realize this...but it does not make that lonely empty feeling inside of me grating at my insides any better.
When does realization become equal to the actions we take? When will my brain and my heart meet each other and say "Hello, let me show you something. Let's stop arguing through letters, and email through Jessie's veins and let's talk face to face."
Ugh. Being young and inexperienced with stupid parents is....really hard.
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June 6th, 2010
08:50 am - shut the fuck up bitch!
So I realize that I type in this thing when I'm upset....or at a moment of weakness...or drunk and lonely.
But I was rereading this thing today and Damn I'm so fucking sad sometimes over stupid shit...
So I'm writing this entry so when I reread these petty things I can remember what the truth is.
I am fucking strong as hell.
I am smart.
I look good in a sundress.
I am funny
I am an amazing singer
I've got great hair
I am the person my siblings call when they are upset because I am understanding and I am an excellent advice giver. (Shut up, I'm hungover)
And I don't need ANYBODY to tell me this or for that matter anything different. Hell mutha fuckin' yeah.
OKay...I gotta go to work....fuckin' hungover as shit fml.
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02:57 am - drunky...
Again...
Got kinda lonely so I did a shot...or two....
I work so hard sometimes to make sure those around me are happy.
Make sure they've got what they need.
And sometimes...I just want someone to do that for me. I know I should expect it...but I just needed to say that.
But most of all...I wish someone would fall in love with me...and want to come after me...and TRY to woo me....that's all I want. I want the attention of a boy that I WANT the attention from.
I want a boy to make me a mixtape because he doesn't know how to tell me how he feels.
I want a boy who flirts with me unabashedly.
I'm so sick of the same old shit.
POST SCRIPT: drunk blogging is so sad!!! I need to stop this shit...just cuz I don't go home with someone I get all sad and do more shots...silly drunk Jessie. Ugh hungover as fuck. Off to work here we go...<3
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May 10th, 2010
07:12 pm - just fucking perfect.
I got a D on my midterm for my world literature class.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
Yeah...the final is 60% versus the midterm only being 40% but God damn it...I'm so fucked.
I wrote that paper a week after Michael dumped me....of course it was going to suck. I was binge drinking and smoking pot to deal with reality.
GOD DAMN IT.
God damn it I am so fucked I don't know what to do. I'm just going to have to talk to my TA and go to her office hours every chance that I get and work and work and work and work and kiss her ass until she sees that I care about my grade.
Damn it why does it have to be so hard? Why does everything have to be so hard? Why can't it just be easy? Is it the way I deal with things? Is that what makes it difficult? Sometimes I feel like if I was a stronger person and I wasn't so insecure I would've seen how much of a waste of time being sad over a stupid boy was. And now, because I was sad over a boy I got a bad grade on my midterm and I only have one more paper left in the class...so if I don't do fucking AMAZING on that paper I will probably fail that class...or get a bad grade.
Everything happens for a reason. This is just one class...in my whole life. This is happening for a reason...
GOD DAMN IT!!!
It's okay...it's a 69.5%....I can bring that up to a passing grade right?
FUCK. kay...time to kiss ass...lots and lots of ass....and read like a mad woman. a fucking mad woman.
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May 7th, 2010
01:31 am - drunken rant.
I've taken three shots and finished off a bottle of wine with the Starbucks kids. Annie came to pick me up and now I'm in my bed and I need to rant.
Because I'm fucking pathetic. Yes I am. Nope...you can't deny it...I am. I can't stop thinking about a boy...a boy that is not good for me. A boy that I've had a silly fantasy crush on since the sixth grade. We were friends in high school...close friends actually. And we dated and everything fucked up and I took everything way too personally and I got super depressed and upset because I was inexperienced with these things and I couldn't take the rejection. And now...I just want to be friends with him again but I can't get over the fact that...well...he's the boy I've always had a thing for! I can't get him out of my head. I just want him as a friend...someone I can call to hangout with...and I can't because I always make it too important or meaningful in my brain.
But there's this feeling in my heart that makes me feel like maybe I'm not making these things up. His signals confuse me so much I'm already bad at this game I don't need someone as dating savvy and crafty as he is to mess with me. But I put up with it...and I try to play the game but I always seem to take it too far somehow and we are apart again. But when we are together we have amazing conversations, we talk about music, books, we like all the same things.
I don't even know why I like him. He's not that exciting. He's not like...a genius...yeah he plays music but he's not an amazing musician. He's not an amazing artist. He drinks a lot. He smokes cigarettes...he likes comics...he still lives with his parents....I can tell he's starting to grow up and he's actually trying...a little bit...to make his life better.
But he's not good for me.
He's not good for me right?
Then why do I have this stupid gut feeling? Why do I have this stupid voice in my head....why is it that when I am around him I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything....like that is the place to be...with him?
I feel like a crazy person. I read this aloud and I sound fucking insane. I just want these feelings to go away. But I don't think they ever will. I've tried to make them go away...but the only way to make them go away is to cut him out of life...literally not talk to him, ignore his existence. Is that what I am destined to do? Avoid his existence?
I feel like I should follow my heart and my heart says to keep him in my life...and to have fun and live my life for now and keep him in my mind and my heart for a while and let him come to me.
but what if he never does?
I guess it wasn't meant to be then.
I just needed to get that out.
That I'm still a little bit in love with a boy. And that we always seem to meet back up no matter how many times I cut him out...
and I love it every time to be completely honest.
Well then...I'm not sad....or hurt by all of this...just a little perplexed....Life is peachy and wonderful with all of this going on in my head...
"Let's move to Paris shoot some heroine and fuck with the stars"
"She, she, she, she's a bombshell (WHOA YEAH)"
*SIGH*
God beards are so hot.
Okay...enough drunken blogging for one night
snoochie boochies.
Current Mood:  satisfied
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May 5th, 2010
09:33 pm - I just want
someone to sing me a love song.
And mean it.
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April 25th, 2010
12:40 pm - I can deal with that...
forgiveness is darth vader.
I guess Michael dropped by the house while I was out...and left this for me...
And you know...I'm okay with that. :)
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April 19th, 2010
08:54 pm - sickers....gutted.
Three names I go by:
1. Face
2. Jessie
3. Black Lung
Three jobs I have had:
1. Beverlys
2. My museum
3. barista
Three places I have lived:
1. Delhi, IA
2. Portland, OR
3. Seasiiiide, CA
Three favorite drinks:
1. beer
2. Iced coffee
3. dr. pepper
Three TV shows I watch:
1. House
2. grey's anatomy
3. venture bros.
Three places I have been:
1. Seattle, WA
2. Chicago, IL
3. ...Portland YAY!!!
Three places I would like to visit:
1. Japan
2. Hawaii
3. Mexico
Three favorite old TV shows:
1. freaks and geeks
2. king of queens
3. roseanne
Three favorite dishes:
1. pizza
2. chili
3. a bomb ass salad.
Three makeup/beauty products I cannot live without:
1. eyeliner
2. mascara
3. lotion
Three things I’m looking forward to:
1. summer
2. the beach
3. camping
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April 12th, 2010
04:48 pm - my soul is aflame.
"All is quiet, except for this song.
So maybe while I'm not together I can feel like I'm not alone.
And somewhere off in the distance, rapidly advancing, is an onslaught of sorts.
Young sirens wail an askew sense of glory.
And the lions in the cages roar in memory of fight.
And there's a joy, a joy in all I can see.
A joy, in every possibility.
And all around this is a great, great failing.
American rockets red-glared our most
disgusting triumph.
And in passing I am asked "Do you believe in a God?",
I shrug off the answer and continue to get high in this terror of no explanation.
I am looking for a faith.
My panic is an only reason.
And there's a joy, a joy in all I can see.
A joy, in every possibility."
Against Me!- Joy
I may not be doing what I am told is best for me.
I may not be doing what is smartest....or most logical.
But it seems like when I am in stages like these...a live wire of life and risk taking and a crazed rush of blood through the veins of the universe is when I feel most alive.
I will eternally be on the line between losing it and gaining everything
And I think that is where I belong in life.
<3
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March 30th, 2010
06:51 pm - puking..
is what I feel like doing.
another break up awesome.
Put another one on because I'm driving the dumped trunk ladies and gentleman.
*sigh*
it doesn't get any easier.
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