watch · me · shimmer · and · rot · at · the · same · time · for · you

and sometimes I still wish my parents never got divorced.

funny how our mind works...one minute you're 20 and thinking "he deserves what he gets, and he'll see he doesn't need her" and the next you're 9 years old, crying and thinking "why did i take him for granted?"

I've never had a dad to tell me I look beautiful before prom.
Or to tell me what boys are bad and what ones are good.
I've never had a dad to ask me what's wrong.
Or to just hug, for the sake of hugging a daddy.
I miss it.
I miss my dad.
I've never held anything against him because i just miss him. yeah, he's abusive and a fucking drunk but sadly, that doesn't change the fact that he's my dad. I still keep his stupid picture in my wallet. Sometimes i wish he would move out here. Sometimes I don't. I see people with their dads and it really hurts me. Because I don't get to see him and when I do, he's too busy being annoyed with my fucking step mom to even be good company.

I don't want my dad to go to prison, but at least he'll have time to be himself again.

<3

Current Mood:

melancholy

I accidently wore a shirt of Gabe's to bed that was dirty...and now I stink like boy BO...ewie.

I talked to Ripley on the phone for a good hour last night. I miss her so much. I feel like she is the only person in my life who doesn't judge me for anything that I do and at the same time will still tell me if I'm doing something stupid.

I think whilest I'm in the Salinas I'm going to go to In and Out. I probably shouldn't spend the money...but whatever. I'm over it.

GOD DAMN PAGE LOAD!!!!!!!

I bet there are conflicting fire walls again...damn. yup. I turned off the Panda firewall and now everything works...

ok...hackers reading this...fuck you...

OMG!!!! they're so good!!! They're called Agent Ribbons....they sound like Rilo Kiley except Jenny Lewis' voice sounds whiney to me whereas this band is more lower and less whiney...like Fiona Apple...:) and they have a song called Birds and the Bees...so good!!!!

I really don't wanna get ready...at all...but there's not anything else better that I would be doing. In fact I would probably be working...

Chelsea...let's go join the circus.

I wanna join the circus with Gabe and Carlos and Ripley and Jessica...and we could make money with our talents and sail across the world.

and I'd play the mandolin and sing :)

ok...time to get dressed...:)

Today's gonna be a good day.

<3

speaking of seeing people...I'm seeing gogol bordello on saturday night!!!!!! excited is the jessie.

So...because I'm a masochistic idiot I've decided I need to cut down on my caffeine intake. I am tired of waking up feeling like shit everyday until I drink some coffee. So, for the past three days I have not caffeine and for the past three days I have had insomnia, headaches, and weakness. It's really interesting to just sit back and watch what chemicals do to your body and how when you don't have them everything just gets fucked. And I've been drinking Blue Machine Naked smoothies (it's like I'm a poster girl....lol) for the B12 so I am not totally losing it. And I've been having a lot of sex...you know...to keep the endorphins up...

that was raunchy and I'm sorry, I'm not exactly in the right mind at this point.

anyway...I'm ready for zoot suit to open so it can be done and over with.

and...napping now.

<3

the show is driving me fucking nuts. I was really close to just throwing my script in Laura's face and saying "find someone else to deal with this bullshit" and then I thought of how badly I need the money and stayed. Two people have conflicts on performance nights that they decided not to tell me about. People think that I am apathetic about the little things like Larry is and I'm not so then I have to be a bitch to them so they'll listen. And people are just fucking paranoid. Why do I have to be in the production where we try to change Larry's methods of directing and handling his kids? Why do I have to be in the production where we try to get Larry to do all this production shit that he never did before? Why is it that when ever I do a project like this I get way more than I was told I was going to receive?

I'm so over the theatre community right now. At least Paperwing was predictable.

OK...now that I feel totally down and depressed...let's try to salvage this day.

first...tattoo ideas....

The one with the  cherry blossoms in the back round I looked at and saved just because I think I want them in the backround and I like the style that the cherry blossoms are drawn in. the one in flight is the closest I've found in what I want it to look like. I wanted to ask the J la to draw it but he's really busy. I don't know if I am going to have Rosie do it or Thad Richie. I have only met Thad once but Angie said she is going to visit him and said that if she talked to him he might do my tattoo which would be rad. But I don't wanna count on it because he doesn't know me and it would be in his house so...yeah...but I really like the gypsy he did on her arm and if he could do it for me that would be rad. Otherwise I'm thinking of going to FU...because I feel really awkward at Gold Coast.
Then again I should probably just fucking deal with the confrontation issues and just go to Rosie because I really like his stuff.

ok. back to my day.

- make flash cards for anatomy and psychology
- finish my painting of the phonograph.
- scrounge for change to go to miriams.
- go to class.
- go to the pph and get the free no baby medicine
-come home and hangout with my boyfriend...because I fucking miss him.

and when I feel like I wanna kill someone I can just think of may 18th...

"Retinas are bleeding for the enterprise
Surgically wired into paradise
Yesterday I dropped in at the MKB
Everyone was messaging like it was going out of style
(it was just the cynic in me)
God, I love communicating!
I just hate the shit we're missing...

Everybody join in the magnificence
Yes! everything is absolutely making sense:
Every time you turn around your soul gets sold
To the highest bidder
Then they turn around and merger and they merger
And the merger and they murder and they murder
The one who murders most will take it all..."

I don't want to murder at all. So I get nothing.

<3

Current Mood:

aggravated

ok...so here's the next month or so...

April 12- FREEZEPOP!!!!

April 26- Gabe and Paul go to  vermillion lies show that's 21+ and I call courtney and we hang out (shhh...I still have to ask her :))

May 7- Zoot Suit opens

May 11- $$$ from Zoot Suit.

May 18- DRESDEN DOLLS!!!!!

May sometime after that- Get tattoo.

June- Finals.

June 10- Gabe and Carlos' birfday extravaganza.

July 7- leave for the Iowa.

July 20- come back to iowa.

July 22- Leave for Washington.

I know it's a bit sad that it's all planned out that far ahead...but I'm pretty stoked about all of it. And I took a day off today. I got a chipotle burrito that I couldn't finish. And took naps.

On that note...I need to take a shower and sleep because my throat is starting to hurt :(.

<3

Current Mood:

horny

The car dealership did not fix my car...my tire is still going flat. But some guardian angels drove by my house and saved me with an air pump today. Thank you jesus.

I don't wanna be at school. My classes are uninteresting and boring...except for Piano...and maybe laura's class.

I don't wanna have rehearsal tonight. really don't.

AAAAANNNNNDDDD....um...I am really sad ol factory is closing...their sandwiches are bomb. and so are their fries.

SATURN THIS FRIDAY!!! Kyle, Justin and I all get paid next friday...so we're gonna try to make a trip to the SC and eat some yummies.

I wanna go running today but I don't have time. I really...really..need to just blow off some steam...and relax...but not...I more just wanna look at the ocean and run on the bike path.

sounds so good right now.

Leo tolstoy is so good...so...good...

damn those Russians.

OK...off to anatomy lecture...

booooooo.
<3

Current Mood:	blah
Current Music:	The cramps.

Only Jourdain would understand at this point.

But Zoot suit is going well. It's really hard to be in rehearsal especially the dance rehearsals because I can feel the negative energy especially in a lot of the girls. I can feel their spirits weighing on themselves, wanting to be better and wanting to be something they are not and I can feel their repulsion with authority even if it's me...I mean...I'm only 20...I'm not that far from their point of view...am I?
I slammed today in rehearsal to show them what swing is and how when the Valdezs say "dance or die" they mean it. How when swing came about it was their grandparent's way of saying "fuck you" to the structure and to live their lives to the fullest and magnify it. It represents the young and the fearless. It was really hard to watch Laura try to explain it....and hold myself back...so I lost it and shouted,

"HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF SKA?"

and a few people nodded. So then I just started skanking and tried to show them how the charleston is just like that it is that frenzied energy that comes right before a revolution or a revolt.  so I did my slam about money and how it sucks and how they need to break out and see that it's all just a stupid game.

But...you gotta play their game to break their rules. :)

ok...I'm off to the mall to buy new bras.

woooo 36d.

<3

OMG I love David Bowie...so much...

Current Mood:

drained

I went to fudruckers!!!!! it was tasty. Then we drove back, Gabe almost hit a tumbleweed and I almost rear ended an SUV full of kids. WOOT!

and now we're back...and I am going to go running.

<3

Current Mood:

hungry

I've been feeling really fatigued, and totally out of it all the time. I wake up and feel like I haven't slept. I have to force myself to eat and the best parts of my day is when I get home and Gabe and I watch a movie or make dinner or bone. 
I've also been cooking a lot...it's quite nice actually. Last night I baked a chicken. My mom says I'm nesting...which means I am compensating for the fact that I don't have my own house so I am domesticating the one I already live in. 
I've been going to farmer's market to try to get some yummy organic veggies in our house...because Mom has been short of money...so I've been trying to get some food in our fridge. I feel like I am just waiting for everything to make me crazy but I keep getting up everyday...and everything's fine. 
I've outgrown my manic reactions but I still have the stress. 
I've just been wanting to dump all my thoughts somewhere and I haven't had the time or the energy to do it so now I finally have a minute to just blargh.

My uncle died and I really haven't cried at all. I felt a little sad when I thought about how my grandma felt but otherwise I just see it as he is in heaven and it's really selfish to cry over the fact that he's not here when he is with God and is happier now. 
I don't think Hedwig is going to happen. I really don't wanna deal with the drama of losing Jourdain as a friend over something like a show or directing one together. I know Caitlyn and Dakota eventually were better as friends but just hearing the rumors about that deterioration makes me nervous. 

And my phone keeps blowing up with calls from Laura and Welch and relatives and all that and the only people I've actually been thrilled to hear from are Courtney, Ripley, and Gabe when he calls me from San Juan when he's up there. It's just a new feeling I need to get used to I guess. I never thought I'd say that I would want no one to call me for a while.

Zoot Suit is going really well. I'm really sroked to be working with high schoolers. They're way fun and are really excited to be working with me too. The mohawk helps too...:) The kids from Seaside are adorable and so greatful to be onstage...it's so nice to have kids that don't take that for granted. It's helping the other kids too...humbling them...

Diamond Dogs is a brilliant fucking album. 

I need a work out buddy...I am thinking about taking yoga over the summer just because I've never done it and would like to see what all the fuss is about. Then again, everytime there's lots of fuss...I get dissapointed. 

I really want tea house right now....I need to apparate to petaluma...asap. 

Maybe when I get paid I can take my mom out to lunch at Wild Plum. And I still owe annie a girl date...we were going to go see Penelope...and go to CPK. I have to remember to do that next Friday...when I get paid. Yes that sounds brilliant. Or maybe we'll go to the la...where ever she wants to go...I trust her...she's good with that whole food thing.

all right...back to the grind....

"Hey babe, your hair's all right"

Current Mood:	indifferent
Current Music:	David Bowie.

"don't you know me kansas city? I'm the new berlin wall...

try and tear me down"

<3

Current Mood:

determined

This post is a little pointless because it's just trying to wind down...but whatever...

ok...my eyes are getting droopy now...I'm gonna leave you with a belle and sebastian song...that I really like...

sleepy bobos.

"Monday morning wake up knowing that you've gotta go to school
Tell your mum what to expect, she says it's right out of the blue
Do you want to work in Debenham's, 'cause that's what they expect
Start in Lingerie, and Doris is your supervisor

And the head said that you always were a queer one from the start
For careers you say you wanna be remembered for your art
Your obsessions get you known throughout the school for being strange
Making life-size models of the Velvet Underground in clay

In the queue for lunch they take the piss, you've got no appetite
And the rumour is you never go with boys and you are tight
So they jab you with a fork, you drop the tray and go berserk
While you're cleaning up the mess the teacher's looking up your skirt

Hey you've been used
Are you calm? Settle down
Write a song, I'll sing along
Soon you will know that you are sane
You're on top of the world again

Monday morning wake up knowing that you've gotta go to school
Tell your mum what to expect, she says it's right out of the blue
Do you wanna work in C&A, 'cause that's what they expect
Move to Lingerie and take a feel off Joe the Storeman

Tell Veronica the secret of the boy you never kissed
She's got everything to gain 'cause she's a fat girl with a lisp
She sticks up for you when you get aggravation from the snobs
'Cause you can't afford a blazer girl you're always wearing clogs

At the interval you lock yourself away inside a room
Head of English gets you, asks you, "What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
"Do you think you're better then the other kids? Well get outside."
You've got permission, but you've got to make the bastard think he's right

Hey you've been used
Write a song, I'll sing along
Are you calm? Settle down
Soon you will know that you are sane
You're on top of the world again

And you're cool and you know
You're a star, you're going far
Think of me as a friend
Not just the boy who played guitar
You're on top of the world again."

Belle and sebastian...."expectations"